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26 January 2008 @ 07:56 pm
Haven't been around for quite some time so before i say my goodbyes yet again to the LJ platform, like i did a couple years ago i thought of penning down some thoughts for review when i come back here again, and hopefully LJ will still be around, that is if Google or Yahoo doesn't acquire them :)

Jan 2007
Independence at last when my folks took off in December paving way for me living alone as i did during college. Burnt food, a messy room but responsibility were some of what i'd gone through but it was well worth it.

Feb 2007
My think pink blog was born and i'd come out of the closet to some of my close friends on my gender and the like, some folks had left me, and the rest embraced me closer, showed me who my true friends were. Also the year that the firm i worked with hired trash and presented me with new challenges in managing them, it was frustrating but i've moved on since good things happened later on.

Mar 2007
The first time i made contact with Miss B on collarme.com and we connected in real life. A trainer that i probably didn't understand too well but it was a form of change that helped me with working on my learning curve with everything lifestyle and non lifestyle related.

Apr 2007
My line manager resigned leaving me in charge at work, was a nice move and helped me see the business from various angles, i think i made the unit a couple hundred thousand dollars richer by using agencies as a last resort :) Also the month in which i converted a couple corporate heads from microsoft into google fans with introducing google desktop and google web services for working on the go. Miss B and i had our first public gig together at a corporate event, and the day i found a good friend's hubby was submissive too, and now they're married, amazing!

May 2007
i was given a lesson in the art of fine dining at the Ritz by Miss B, during the first few weeks, and then after my parents gate crashed my place, we did a couple other events together. Also the first time i got punished, the second time which happened next month, spelt the bonding as kaput.

Jun 2007
The COO of the firm had me assigned to special projects, and i was made part of a 10-person team for the region since my background checking skills were required, made me feel good. And in the same month, over a misunderstanding and me acting out, i was released, horrible feeling, but Oli and Mo got me out of the ruts. However, i did not and still don't appreciate the way i was released, i know that each dominant's style varies, however, after having a real life bonding, maybe it be emotional or otherwise, you simply don't release a sub via e-mail. Jorge didn't seem to think we even had any bonding, he made me stop the whole training idea and stream of thoughts afterwards, to get hurt or not to get hurt in the lifestyle...Anyways it was alright, we all learn and i sure did, don't settle for less in the lifestyle, a sub has limits, rights and the like, i am no slave and never will be :) However Bee did teach me a couple good things in life, you learn the good and leave the negatives.

Jul 2007
I was to be deployed to a location i really despised and i stood up to my management and declined, i had two choices accept and remain within the promotional levels or resign, i chose the latter and the management called my back and apologized and retained me. A good feeling indeed! To be wanted. Mom, even though she's not my bio-mom was such a source of support during the time, i love her much, platonic love!

to be continued ....
Femotional Bits: accomplishedaccomplished
19 July 2007 @ 07:07 pm
hiding away is no good! Am glad i was taught that lesson. i attended a junior high reunion last night, it was of a core organizing team that pulling together a july 2008 reunion for folks who graduated between 1951 and 2004, and people last night seemed to really like me. But i haven't done anything major.. just been myself. And today i'm getting emails and SMS messages from people from ages ago to party with them, it's like.. i wasn't looking for this and it came knocking at my door.

One of the ladies at a local magazing production facility where i used to work briefly at while in wonderland, came up to me, and apparently said i'm "cool" and interesting subject matter *grins* Not quite sure how the girly guy in me is responding to this, but time will tell. Apparently i'm taking on the role of magarita girl for the beach party reunion and i'm happy with that.

i was depressed and down and sad, and felt betrayed but then i realized that it was a great learning experience and good on the experimenting curve in my life, that doesn't mean my journey ends there, it's just happened..i'm moving on, it's good to have known Her, She came into my life and taught me things i could've only dreamed to have known before. i don't have any negativity in me towards Her, all i can do is say thank you, and really mean it!

i hope both She and roby have a great time in wonderland next month. i couldn't play host, it may be a blessing  in disguise, but whatever it is, it's opened my eyes.

In a few days, i'm flying out to Thailand and Nepal to go mountaineering and then on to a bit of India, Sri Lanka and the maldives, i'm still working on eVisas, but it's all good. i have a happy feeling within. i got reassigned at work on to special projects, it's a challenge flying into saudi and back every fortnight and then around the mideast, i don't mind it. i get to meet more people, socialize and talk and learn new stuff.. Mom's flying out to the seychelles, they won't be back until december.. but it's ok if they are back, i don't feel the negativity that i used to, they mind their own business, and secondly i no longer rely on her for reservations..  i burnt my fingers one time with that, never again, now *grins*

Shynight is back in wonderland, dominant love, but he's more of into scening, we've talked, and we just thought emotional sexuality is all good, i just want to keep myself for the One, when She comes along. Although, he's ordering dildos and floggers for me as motivational hugs. i'd love to see if these are going to come through though, he tells me otherwise, and we'll see anyways.

Dina has gone off to North America and then she stops in for a bit in London, i miss her mucho, the mom in her that got me responding after i was released. Love her loads, and i'll be seeing her soon sometime in November. A lot has happened in the last month to this one, so much to relate and i will.

Life is beautiful, has a hidden meaning to it. But whatever happened to me thus far, has happened for a reason, i just won't question it, not my place to, She taught me something that i keep close to myself every moment of the day and night and for the rest of my life. it's somewhere within, "if someone leaves you without a reason, then that person wasn't worth your time".
myGetaway: my bed
Femotional Bits: cheerfulcheerful
Vibes At The Moment: sesame street
23 June 2007 @ 09:25 pm
Really wish i'd come upon Chapter 3 of this article  much earlier in time, because i can relate to it quite a lot. To be unowned has meant that i've had to many a time rely on my ownself to make my decisions and the like, and i've a lack of self-judgement and am poor in terms of figuring out the player from the genuine dominant. i have the basics but at times i chase after the rainbow and forget about basic instincts and that's where i loose out, i let myself down and those around me. So these readings have been helping more than i expected them to, it's been giving me a sense of hope, or rather She's been instilling that sense of hope for me. It is really hard to have be unowned, find my own way around and when i commit a blunder, i wonder at times will i ever be owned, and then my negativity takes over myself into drama. If there was just some medical cure for eliminating drama, i really would sallow it because, i see drama as the main cause for my downfall. And despite however hard i try, drama seems to catch up with me, and land me across the wrong side, possibly because i keep going into victim mode instead of focusing my energies into something else. i am trying, progressively trying and that is the least i can do.

i may be unowned, and it is true that i don't owe obedience to anyone, but my need is to be obedient to my trainer, and i seriously hope She will allow me to continue being Her student, because i'll do anything, and i mean anything that She wants in retaining this training relationship because these past few days have made me realize and see through my stupidity. It's like being offered a scholarship and throwing the opportunity away due to lack of realization of the worth and outcome of the training, or outcomes rather. Speaking of worth, three months ago, exactly from yesterday, i had such a low sense of self-esteem, i felt really low and down and as if i were unworthy. That probably explains why i'd presented myself as a doormat to Her, today, i look back and see some bits of change where i can comfortably draw the line between being submissive to the One and not with the world, i'm happier in going to work each day and getting my points across and presenting valid arguments without being trampled upon, in fact i'm now being consulted on risk assessments in conflict zones, i never had that responsibility handed down to me earlier, and i can rest assured because i know that there's Someone to direct me and i can submit to that Someone instead of being submissive with A/all. Obviously there may be some aspects of me which might be noticeable submissive but compared to a few months ago, i feel a change on that front.

Fortunately enough, i don't get down by being addressed or termed as a bitch, whore or slut, in fact i've grown to love those terms as there are meanings associated with them on different levels, so the one time She mentioned that i were a bitch who needed to stop being such a needy submissive and wake up, it was pure motivation. Today, i learnt more about the Miss Bitch part as well as the Miss Unowned Submissive, to be unowned striked up a feeling within and always has where it sort of sparks feelings of envy and guilt as a result of the envy and then gets me feeling all down, because to have an Owner would place a subbie with great joy and i've seen that look upon the faces of my collar sisters some time ago when they were formally owned, that look upon my face, that feeling of expression, i so crave for the day i'd experience it as well. i guess there is a day and a time for each and everything, i'm going on because i keep recalling what She told me, "remember that there is someone out there for you". It's hope more than anything, something to keep living for.

i am going to take a stance on self-negativity, i am going to actually try and do instead of just talk, i am going to stop or rather try my best to stop reflecting on the past and rather move forwards in an attempt to work on my self-growth in submission. i am unowned it is true, but when the time comes to get owned, i want it to be perfect and i need to be that unique thing out there who knows what it's on about, knows the basics and possess the right focus needed for a healthy D/s relationship. It's not a want any longer, it's a need to get to that level, it will take time, and yes i set the wrong sort of expectations for myself, thinking that a few months would help, reading literature just wakes me up but what will really help is when i start practicing and getting so used to the fact of knowing this will take years. And i don't know what my future is going to be like, but i'm determined to get my submissive self back on track, i've steered away from it many a time, only to have Her place me back in the right direction, but one day She won't be there for me and i will keep derailing if i don't have something in me to break the distraction and continue working on my focus.
myGetaway: the floor
Femotional Bits: energeticenergetic
Vibes At The Moment: Hurt - Christina Aguilera